A deeper truth
Hidden beneath our life experience
“We must have the courage to face whatever is present - our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes, our love - everything that moves us most deeply…We must connect to our body, to our feelings, to our life just now, if we are to awaken.
(The Path with Heart, Jack Kornfield)
I watch a fly buzzing against the window, it hums, bashes and walks across the glass, trying to find its way to freedom. It seems to sense the blue sky and the space beyond and yet it can’t seem to find a way out. Even when I open a window and gently guide it towards the vast open space beyond, it still gets stuck, unable to discover how to free itself.
I sympathise with its plight, knowing this feeling of struggle within myself. I feel stuck too sometimes, I can see a glimpse of what could be, I have a dream of freedom, and yet I have no clear direction on how to get there.
Even when we do have a sense of freedom, we can still hit an unseen barrier, which stops us in our tracks. Just like a bird that flies free and sees a clear, open space, when actually that space is a window reflecting the sky beyond.
“They see the sky reflected in the glass and fly joyously at its illusion of freedom.”
John Lister-Kaye, Gods of the Morning
As I reflect on this feeling of being stuck, I notice that through the winter months, I have been waiting, wondering, hoping for something new. This winter has often been grey, dull, misty and wet. It has kept me still, huddled up inside, feeling as if nothing is ever going to change, nothing is ever going to happen, and I sit here just waiting for something, anything to look forwards to.
It has reminded me of my days with postnatal depression, the darkness, the feelings of hopelessness, the lacking in energy and motivation, slipping further into the depths of despair.
I don’t want to feel like that again, so I try hard to find my way forwards, to not let myself slip into the darkness, that feeling of hopelessness. I tell myself this gloomy feeling is just passing through, it’s not here to stay, it’s just a moment in time.
I sit in meditation and observe all that arises, doing my best not to get sucked into the mud of my low mood.
I am lucky that I can now move past this somber feeling, after years of mindfulness practise, but it hasn’t always been easy, it’s actually been quite a bumpy ride.
Mindfulness isn’t always sunshine and flowers, but it does offer you a guide out of the mud.
We still have to wade through the mud of our thoughts and feelings to move out to the other side, but there is a light ahead, and a feeling of safety as we step onto more solid ground.
As I sit here dreaming of sunshine, light and freedom, wishing for new opportunities and the chance to break free from this dull and foggy mind. I realise that I am caught in the memories of my past, and my wishes for the future, rather than just being present, aware and kind to myself.
I pause and reflect on my wish to always do the right thing, to wait for the right moment, and the right time. I notice how my past experiences have held me back, and my fear of making mistakes has stopped me from moving forwards. I can see why I often feel stuck.
I am really familiar with the feeling of not being good enough, and the need to do better, be better, and do more. But perhaps there something deeper than this feeling? When I push past the boundaries I have put in place for myself, what else is hiding in there?
When I dig a little further, I find something unfamiliar, there is a new found confidence that hasn’t yet found the words to express itself. I may still wish for the right moment, but now it’s about wanting to feel appreciated and respected, it’s about feeling the need to share skills and experience, and having so much to give. It’s about knowing that I am needed, not just another cog in the wheel. I want to offer my time, energy, and experience to those who will truly appreciate it. This is why I wait for the right moment, the right opportunity, it’s not about fear, it’s about feeling respected, supported, and valued.
This is a new feeling, it is happening now, not in the past or future, it’s here and it’s the truth behind the fears and worries. Confidence has been covered up for a while, and it hasn’t yet found its voice, so it’s been hiding within familiar feelings waiting for the right words to arise.
By choosing to honour my new found confidence, even if it is only just starting to germinate, I can see that I am not avoiding situations, I am waiting for the right opportunity that will nurture my little seedling and help it to grow. This is the kindest and most comfortable way for me to be at this moment.
It is important to allow this new feeling to be nurtured, because without the care, support and attention it needs, it could easily wither away, returning me to the mud of old familiar feelings.
I am aware that I need to be truly present to what is taking place in my inner world right now. This is where freedom lies, in the new and current experience, not in the fear of the past or the wishes for the future, but in the here and now.
Listening to the whisper, the inner truth, beyond the familiar answers that always arise when I question myself, it’s deeper, quieter, and yet to be fully experienced.
Here below the surface is your inner wisdom, sometimes it’s buried under the mud of your life experience, but it’s always there waiting to be found.
How will you discover this quiet voice, the whispers of truth that awaits within?
Visualising a letter
Come and take a journey with me and see if you can discover your whispers of inner truth, in this guided visualisation. Listen or read, then write yourself a letter, offering yourself the words you need to hear today.
Imagine you are at home having a quiet and restful day, you make your favourite drink, stoke the open fire and settle back into your most comfortable chair. A letter has arrived today, you saw how the soft blue envelope floated through the letterbox, so gently, it seemed more like a feather than paper. As you picked it up and held it gently in your hands, you wondered who it could be from. The writing on the envelope seemed familiar, and yet you didn’t know who had sent it. Now, sitting in the chair you take a few deep breaths, ready to read the words in front of you.
Opening this hand-written letter, you see the familiar writing and the words that say “My dearest friend,”…
As you read the message inside you discover that it is exactly what you needed to hear today, you let the words wash over you in a wave of understanding and love. Your heart fills with light and you feel open to new possibilities, new ways of seeing things. Take a moment to enjoy this feeling, letting those words reach deep down inside.
Then when you are ready open your eyes and write yourself a letter.
Read my post: ‘Letter of Kindness’
If you would like to continue with this letter writing practice, please have a read of my Soulful Seedlings post Letters of Kindness. It is now free for everyone to enjoy.
If you would like to support my work, I am now offering a lovely discount to join my Soulful Seedlings community. You can find out more about it here:
Thank you so much for reading, please feel free to share any insights or experiences you have from the letters you write in the comments below.
I needed to read this today, thank you for articulating so much of what I’m feeling. I’m going to try your letter writing exercise later.
What amazing awareness you have about your own mind and all its movements