The waves of emotions that arise and fall

And the mountains we climb each day

(Photo from Mount Skaros in Nikiana, Lafkada Island, Greece.)

“There is a beautiful term in Japanese, hikikomogomo (悲喜交々), which means having alternating feelings of joy and sorrow in your heart, tasting the bittersweetness of life.”

Beth Kempton

I didn’t think I would ever make it here, to this island in Greece, ready to offer retreat guests meditation, mindfulness, reiki and yoga, as this has meant stepping out of my comfort zone. It has been a very difficult path with a huge range of emotions and challenging feelings that almost stopped me coming at all.

Now, sitting on the balcony of my new apartment, home for the next two months, I’m feeling completely disorientated, lost and alone, so I turn to reading, as a place of comfort. Here in this new environment, in a new country, I am without all my usual comforts, my family, friends, wonderful students, familiar surroundings, my routine and favourite ways to take care of myself. I just have this book, given to me at Christmas, yet to be fully read.

I had started reading the heart-warming book ‘Kokoro, Japanese wisdom for a life well lived’ before I left home, so it had already begun to fill my heart and lead me towards an inner knowing and trust of my inner self, my heart-mind of kokoro.

“The kokoro is the internal place from which a human responds sensitively to the world through the language of felt energetic impulses rather than rational thought…When you witness beauty or sorrow, for example, and sense a flutter or tightening, that is the utterance of your kokoro.”

As I read

Beth Kempton

’s journey through the loss of her mother and the deeply expressive ways she shares her experience, tears filled my eyes, the sadness and pain very real in her descriptions. But there was also something familiar in the way she described her feelings.

“I was untethered, floating, with nothing to hold on to, and with nothing holding on to me.”

“I just felt like I was drifting, carried on the wind like a sound from far away.”

Perhaps this is not just the feeling of grief, but a feeling of loss, being lost or living in the unknown, the uncertain and unfamiliar.

The way she described her mother’s words or the way her children tried to look after her, touched my heart, making me miss my daughter and my family all the more.

Then she describes a moment where she was sitting on the beach and looked down to see “a perfect heart-shaped white pebble” by her foot, it was smooth to touch, so she put it in her pocket.

I had done the exact same thing that day, sitting on the beach, toes dipped in the clear blue water of the bay, not sure what I would do next, only to look down and see a white heart-shaped pebble, which I held for a while before popping in my pocket.

It was if the words in her book were creating echoes in my life of shared moments of feelings of loss and beauty all at the same time.

Drapanou Bay, Nikiana

My journey to Greece has not been an easy one, although a wonderful opportunity, it has been one filled with panic, anxiety, sleepless nights, stomach cramps and absolute fear that I would not be able to cope with it all.

As I sat on this balcony reflecting on my first few days here, a mixture of beautiful scenery and sunny days, filled with overwhelm, an inner struggle and fear of the unknown. I realised that life is full of ups and downs, the uneasy, uncertain, the self-doubt, brushing up against moments of peace, calm and gentleness. The soft lap of the waves soothing us turns into tides of strong emotion pulling us back into fear and worry. Then just for a moment the chirp of a bird, the crunch of pebbles on the beach, the clouds forming wonderful shapes and I am back into calmness, stillness, awareness.

Waves flow in and out, softness, calmness followed by fear, a wish to be somewhere safe, familiar and comforting. Telling myself I shouldn’t be here, my stomach turns, tightness pulls and pain begins, mind and body pulled by the storms within. All I can do is wait for the wave to pass and know there will be another moment of calm, of sitting, reading, watching the world go by, learning that I don’t have to be busy all the time, that I can stop and observe, notice and just be.

View from Mount Skaros

Sitting on this balcony in the sunny late afternoon, fully absorbed in my book, my heart gently opening with each page. I paused to get a drink and I looked back to see the air thick with mosquitoes and was amazed by the sight of them swirling in the sunlight. I was enjoying my moment on the balcony, so I chose to continue reading there. As I sat, I watched the dance of the birds swooping and darting around, moving in all directions, catching the insects and flying back to the balcony. Surrounding me, flying out and coming back, these little birds, (swallows and sparrows, I think) were my savours keeping me safe from any bites. How wonderful to be blessed with this kindness.

I sat on that balcony until the sun slowly moved down, beginning to dip behind the mountain, and as it gradually slipped away, my heart melted a little more.

“What matters is that we live with love from the kokoro, responding to the beauty and sorrow, the darkness and the light of the world in each moment, as it arises.”

View from Mount Skaros

The next evening, I returned to the balcony where the sun shines and warms my heart, to read more from ‘Kokoro’, I was sitting in the shadow of Mount Skaros while reading about Beths journey up Mount Gassan, quite an arduous but enlightening experience it seems. My journey up the mountain today, was nowhere near as difficult, but the road did seem to go on forever and I didn’t want to just keep going, after all I had to come down again too.

Mountains offer wonderful views and change of perspective, but they are also challenging and difficult to navigate, it can be hard to find your way.

Sometimes we question what we are doing and why we are doing it and I did wonder this, as I walked up Mount Skaros having no clue where I was going. But then, I really have no clue where I am going in life either, I just muddle along and do the best I can.

As I walked along, I wondered what success feels like and when it might show up in my life, as most of the time I just feel like I’m wrestling with a swirl of thoughts and emotions, full of self-doubt.

I wonder what it would feel like to know that I am doing well?

As I looked out over the balcony towards the mountain, hearing the rhythmic sound of the local church bells, I explored the mixed view of apartments in the process of being built, other people sitting on their balconies, feral cats fighting, dogs barking and traffic noise. This is the fullness of life, with its beauty and wonder alongside the noisy and messy, just like us, we are all of it.

Maybe success comes when we embrace our whole selves and let ourselves be as we are.

“Success has nothing to do with your outer life and what other people think of you. It’s about the richness of your inner life, and the way you show up in the world with genuine consideration for others. And it’s about joy, beauty and wonder that you find in the world, and how your share that through the way you live.”

The view from one of the balconies at my apartment in Nikiana

I will continue reading ‘Kokoro’ and sitting on the balcony for a little while longer, but I hope that I take home a little more warmth in my heart, a softening into all that is and all that I am.

And I hope those joining us at Serenity Retreat will embrace all of themselves, not just the pleasant parts, but the messy and chaotic parts too, so they go home feeling more complete, knowing that you can love your whole self, no matter what is going on inside.

Remember friends, the outside view of the world, may not be how it feels on the inside, all we can do is allow the waves of thought and emotion to arise and pass and take one small step at a time up the mountain. So, go gently, take care of yourselves and bring a little kindness within.

May you be well and happy

May you embrace your whole self

May you enjoy all the little moments in life

May you completely love your kokoro (heart, mind and spirit)