Self kindness
4 ways to recover from people pleasing
“it was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.”
Rupi Kaur
Highly sensitive people are more likely to be people pleasers.
This is something I have just discovered. It wasn’t long ago that I realised that I am a highly sensitive person, but I hadn’t related this to being a people pleaser. People pleasing can be a way of keeping others happy in order to stay safe, it may come from cultural conditioning, a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, the need for approval or from trauma, which leads to the ‘fawn’ response - a natural reaction to danger. However it can also be a response to be empathic or sensitive to others needs.
Some of us feel more deeply, experience life in a much more sensitive way, we notice subtle details that others miss, we are more aware of how others feel and pick up on tiny minutia, worrying that we might have upset someone because they looked at us in a certain way or used a tone of voice that didn’t feel comfortable. We might worry that we did or said something to upset them unintentionally or we may feel their energy and just know that it feels difficult to be around. They may be perfectly pleasant and helpful, saying the right things, but something just doesn’t feel right. We can’t explain these little details, it’s in the body language, the sights, sounds and feelings. This can lead us to feeling responsible for others emotions, like it’s our fault that they feel a certain way and we may try make them feel better, we may do whatever we can to help, we might try and make them happier or ensure they are looked after in some way. This may seem like a kind thing to do, but if we are people pleasing at the expense of our own needs and we are taking responsibility for others when we don’t need to, then we might need to take a step back and reflect on how we can change things to ensure we look after ourselves better.
In my experience learning to say ‘no,’ feels extremely uncomfortable, sensitive people feel the disappointment of others, they feel the disapproving looks and comments within their own body, they are fully aware of the sensations they experience when the other person says they feel let down, or they don’t understand why we can’t just to this one thing.
It can feel like a sharp stabbing pain, a rush of nausea, a sudden tension headache and a wave of fear arising from this simple act of saying ‘no’, so my suggestion is to take it gently, go slowly and take your time with this, making sure you go easy and take small steps towards self-care.
4 ways to recover from people pleasing
Here are a few ways you can start to move from people pleasing towards self-care.
Listen to your own needs
Start with spending some time alone so that you can listen to your own inner voice and learn to trust your own self-care needs. Give yourself some time to retreat from the world for a short while, reduce distractions, disconnect from social media, step away from the demands of others and just tune in to discover what it is that you need.
You could take some time in meditation, walk in nature, sit on a bench and let the world drift by and allow yourself to feel more grounded and connected. From here you can journal your thoughts and allow your mind to drift to the things that you would like to do.
Get creative
Being creative is a mindful activity, while you are creating you are less likely to be focussing on pleasing others or being distracted by the noise of the world around you. You can just rest into the moment and focus on what’s in front of you.
Why not try creating a collage of all the things you like, find pictures and words in magazines, dream about the places you would like to be and how you would like to feel, then create an image of those things.
You could try making a dream catcher, a symbolic representation of filtering out the bad and letting in the good. As you create this web of dreams letting the light of helpful ideas and visions drift inwards, you can allow yourself to be kind and start saying yes to yourself more often. Let your positive intentions filter in and the unhelpful people pleasing actions filter out.
Trust yourself
Learn to make small decisions and be ok with them. If you find it hard to make decisions and you are constantly asking for other peoples opinions, trusting others more than yourself, then start small and learn to trust that you know what is right for you. You can learn to value yourself and your own opinion more and know that it’s ok to choose. One thing I always tell myself is that ‘there’s no wrong decision, just different choices,’ this takes the pressure off and allows you to make a decision without worrying as much about the outcome. Try something small, listen to what feels good to you and follow that nudge to say yes to the things you need, like and want.
Pause before you respond
If you are always saying yes when others ask you to do something, but inside you wish you didn’t. Pause, take a breath and wait for a moment, ask yourself, do I really want to do this? do I have the time? will it make me feel stressed and overwhelmed? If you are already feeling under pressure and you really don’t want to do something, then start by saying “I will think about it,” give yourself the space to respond and know that it’s ok if you can’t do it right now. Start to take some time for you, learn to have a break, take some deeper breaths, allow yourself to relax so that you can think clearer and respond with calm and clarity. This is your first step towards setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
This article “6 different types of people pleasers and how to stop for life” shares some other ways to recover from people pleasing, it suggests:
Setting boundaries
Learn mindfulness
Practice Self Compassion
Challenge your thoughts
Increase self esteem
You may need a little help along the way to build your confidence and improve your self-belief, so you may need to reach out to a therapist for additional support. In the mean time you can take some small steps towards self kindness by:
Listening to your own needs
Getting creative
Trusting yourself
Pausing before you respond
You could try making a nature based dream catcher, by combining a walk in nature with collecting natural objects, such as sticks, pine cones and seeds, then return home to get creative. This little act of wandering in nature and collecting items, gives you a chance to pause and begin to trust your own instincts and is a great way to start your self-care journey.
If you would like to develop your mindfulness skills, practise self-compassion or change your thoughts with mindful living, then you may like to visit my online learning page to get started.
Please feel free to comment if you have tried any of the methods suggested or if you have any other self-care hints and tips you would like to share.
Thanks for reading, I wish you well as you take the steps you need towards self-kindness, self-compassion and self-care.
Useful resources:
Contented mind - 6 types of people pleasers and how to stop for life.
Create Harmony - online mindfulness courses
Laura Green - Beyond People Pleasing - Boundaries, Voice and Power in Your Yoga Business
A note: Soulful Seedlings, my paid for community of soul filled kindness will be opening soon and I am offering some great discounts, so keep an eye out for those.
An interesting read with helpful approaches to apply. I hadn’t known there were so many types of people pleaser.