Drawing the monsters within...
And making friends with them
“When you encounter fear or anger or any other aspect of yourself that causes you pain, simply give it space. Allow the feelings to be loved without pushing them away or running from them. This space, or presence, is what compassion really is. Negative emotions will heal wherever compassion is present.”
Practical Zen, Meditation and Beyond, Julian Daizan Skinner
Please note this post is inspired by ’s essay prompt ‘vulnerability’ and shares details of anxiety, drawing our inner monster or demon and expressing our difficult thoughts, feelings and beliefs in order to make friends with ourselves.
Laying on an antique 4-poster bed in an 18th Century house, I stared up at the canopy of the bed observing the patterns on the fabric, mesmerised by the artistic flowing shapes. My mind swirled, the shapes moved and a deep buried desire to draw came to life, a lost memory lingered waiting to be found. I wanted to draw, to create, to express myself somehow, but that part of me seemed to have been left behind like a forgotten toy. A feeling of sadness for the loss of my favourite gift, knowing it was here somewhere, if only I could remember where I left it. Then the words whispered to me “take a line for a walk.” A memory from my art college days, a remembering where to start…begin with a line.
‘A line is a dot that went for a walk. A drawing is simply a line going for a walk. Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see.’
Paul Klee
I started to draw a line, then a doodle, then shapes formed, it didn’t matter what it was, it didn’t need to look pretty as long as there was movement, as long as it flowed.
This was a big help as I wasn’t able to express myself in words or through writing at that time, so drawing gave me the opportunity to understand myself better, to see and share the feelings that hid in the dark places and scared me like the monsters lurking in the shadows of my room at night.
Mindfulness was my torch light, that lit up the room, shining on the shadows, sometimes making them seem bigger and more scary than they were. But it was also my guiding light to show me the way out of the darkness, it helped me see that the monsters were only trying to be my friend and keep me safe, so it was my turn to make friends with the monsters hiding in the corners of my mind.
When I first discovered my thoughts were lying to me, making up ghost stories to frighten me I was so surprised. All this time I had believed those spooky stories, thinking all those horrible things were true, but now I saw it, I could see the truth, my mind was tricking me all along. I didn’t have to believe it! I just had to work out how to make friends with my thought monster.
Images from my sketchbook as I tried to express how I felt - the small me frightened by the big scary mind.
Pausing to listen, notice and draw my thoughts from a place of curiosity and love helped me see my fearful thoughts and understand them better.
I had begun to make friends with my thought monster, so I decided to see if I could meet my anxiety monster and try to understand this scary creature a little better.
Mindfulness helped me tune into my body to notice any sensations, tightness and tension, so this is where I started. I could feel the pressure of this monster pressing on my chest, the fear gripping my stomach and I could feel it was holding me so tight I could hardly breathe. With this awareness I could think about the shape and texture of the monster, how it feels in my body, what sensations it brings and try to bring that into my drawing.
Once I had created the picture with its furry, fizzy texture, its gripping arms and its long grabby tail, I could write about it, sharing my feelings.
“This is my anxiety monster...it sits on my chest, gripping it tight. It sends sparks through its arms across my chest into my shoulders. It reaches down into my stomach and makes it tingle and fill with fizzy fear. It holds onto my throat so I cannot speak. It stops me thinking clearly, so I don’t know which way to turn. It grips so tight sometimes that I cannot breath and the only thing I can do is cry.”
Now that I could see my drawing and express how I felt, I could sit with my monster with less fear. I could see that it wasn’t as terrifying as I thought and it was just a scared animal that needed soothing. Over the next few days I kept an eye on my anxiety monster and drew more pictures as it became softer and smaller, then changed from being a terrifying monster into a timid little animal.
Images from my sketchbook of my anxiety monster with its fizzy fear and gripping arms.
“Suppose you were in a room with a very frightened puppy. If you tried to chase it around to grab and control it, you would only make it more frightened. If you were to walk out of the room and slam the door, it would become more agitated. But if you sit down quietly in the room and do nothing, the puppy will gradually settle, and come and make friends with you. Its fear will melt away. We can do the same thing with negative aspects of ourselves.”
Practical Zen, Meditation and Beyond, Julian Daizan Skinner
Now that I had faced the big scary monsters of thoughts and feelings, the shadows of my mind had become more subtle, they whispered instead of shouted, they tried to tell me what to do and they liked to hold me back. These subtle little whispers almost went unseen and unheard, but I listened carefully, I tried to be kind, I took my time to notice them and draw them, not as big and frightening, but as someone who kept telling me that “I’m not good enough, I can’t do it, I’m not valued.” This inner bully was trying to control my life, so I chose to bring them into the light, to see them for who they really were and recognise that they were just a frightened little part of me who had created unhelpful beliefs to protect me.
Loving-kindness practice had shown me how to bring warmth, love and friendship to my own thoughts, emotions and beliefs, so I chose to treat my doubts like a friend, holding their hand, reassuring them that all is ok and wrapping them in love.
Images from my sketchbook of my inner doubts and a reminder to be kind.
Thoughts, beliefs and emotions have tried to drag me down, pull me into the darkness of overwhelm, anxiety and panic, to leave me unable to think clearly, feel calm or see a way out. But I found a way to soothe and soften those aspects of myself, to return from the land of monsters and shadows to find my way to the light of the stars with the torch of mindfulness and the candles of loving-kindness. Sometimes these familiar beings revisit me, so I have to remember that I made friends with them once before so I can do it again. I can use the light of mindfulness, friendship and love to transform those unhelpful aspects of my mind into peace, calm and freedom.
Would you like to make friends with your shadows, describe your feelings and move from fear to freedom?
You may like to try the Tibetan Buddhist practice of feeding your demons, this is a method of recognising and feeding your demons of fear, illness, anxiety and worry with nurturing nectar, rather than fighting them. This is about giving form to these forces through feeling them in the body and noticing their shape, colour, texture etc. It’s a way of personifying the demon and finding out what it wants. From this point you can start to understand what it needs, to bring love, kindness and compassion to yourself so that you can transform these feelings into friendship.
“Demons (maras in Sanskrit) are not bloodthirsty ghouls waiting for us in dark corners. They are energies we experience every day, such as fear, illness, depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship difficulties, and addiction.
Anything that drains our energy and blocks us from being completely awake is a demon.”
The Lions Roar website shares the steps you can take to feed your demon and become and ally, a friend to yourself.
Step 1: Find the Demon in Your Body
Step 2: Personify the Demon
Step 3: Become the Demon
Step 4: Feed the Demon and Meet the Ally
Step 5: Rest in Awareness
Visit https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-feeding-your-demons/ to find out more. (Please note they are not really demons, they are just challenging feelings, so don’t forget to be kind to yourself.)
Maybe you would like to create your own thought, anxiety or belief creature, I have shared this in creative sessions before, so you may like to give it a try.
Drawing your creature, monster or shadow
This is about working with your challenging thoughts, beliefs and emotions, so start gently and slowly, try drawing your creature at a time that isn’t too overwhelming.
Please note that if you don’t want to call it a creature, monster or demon that’s absolutely fine, just draw what you feel.
Mindfulness will help you notice when stress or anxiety are starting to build up in your body, at this moment try to stop and take a moment to listen to yourself.
Where can you feel the emotions?
What sensations do you notice?
Do the sensations have a shape, texture or colour?
Can you draw this?
Can you make it into an animal, monster or demon?
Can you express how this creature makes you feel?
How does it feel once you have drawn it?
Does it still feel as terrifying?
Can you make friends with it through being kind to yourself?
All of these methods are ways of being mindful and really listening to your body, mind and emotions so that you can give yourself the chance to express how it feels to you. When you truly listen to yourself with kindness, your thoughts can settle, your feelings can start to ease and your strong held beliefs can soften.
I wish you much kindness, friendship and support along the way, keep being kind, show yourself some love, care and understanding and know you are always worthy.
Thank you for this post, it's very helpful.
"Pausing to listen, notice and draw my thoughts from a place of curiosity and love helped me see my fearful thoughts and understand them better." - this is such a solid advice for any difficult emotion. I wish everyone learned this at early age. I appreciate the mixture of words and pictures in this piece and your story together with advice.